Relationships..... -_-

These past few months I've been faced with relationship issues. Most of it, are not my own, they are my friends'. Yeah, I guess EVERYONE says that, "it's not me, my friend". No no, I'm NOT in denial here.

Now let's get things straight here. I'm no psychologist nor a relationship 'expert' here. I'm just a squirrel trying to get a nut in this world who happened to stumble across these issues quite a fair bit for some reason or another. And to further qualify my 'expertise' I'm the most 'single' guy among my group of friends, as I've hardly been in any 'long term' relationship with anyone (If you are wondering why I am the most 'single', perhaps my thoughts on relationships in this blog may give you an idea)

I've decided not to name any specific issues of my friends as the purpose of this blog was not to discuss THEIR issues, but rather to give MY two cents worth on relationships in general. I've seen one too many relationships fail due to expectation and compatibility issues. Be it a 3 year relationship or a 10 year marriage. And when it comes to relationship matters, it is one HUGE emotional roller coaster ride with 3 possible outcomes:

1. The continuation of the relationship stronger than before
2. The continuation of the relationship same or worse than before
3. The ending of the relationship

With the first outcome, the couple with problems discover the issues together and collectively improve themselves to facilitate their partner's needs. Of course it takes time to improve or change one's habits or character. One should also realise that this is a never ending process as there is no such thing as perfection. In time, your preference/needs would change and so would your partner's, thus arguments would creep up time and again, but by 'giving' and 'taking' things will always work out.

With the second outcome, the couple would expect the other party to change first instead of looking into themselves to change. The arguments would be more intense the next time round because the 'issues' weren't really settled in the first argument. It was merely 'delayed' for the sake of 'being tired of arguing' or just 'having peace'. Unfortunately it is not a lasting peace as it would creep up again (unless the argument is about a very minor and trivial matter). But why would a couple avoid the issue just for the sake of having 'peace'? ....it is because of the hormones known such as endorphines, dopamine, oxytocin, etc which gives us the 'feel good feeling' that we call love. So, literally, love is a drug, we get hooked on thus willing to do 'anything' for it and 'loving' someone for no 'logical' reason...."I'm willing to do anything for love"....familiar term??? So, they avoid prolonged confrontation or any outstanding issues so that they can continue to be hooked on these 'feel good' hormones.

With the third outcome, the couple (or one of them) would realise that they are just not compatible since they can't agree on many issues. Most of the time, to these couples 'compromise' means the other party 'compromise to my needs' and not the other way around. Normally, outcome 2 precedes outcome 3.


COMPATIBILITY:

I believe that there needs to be a certain level of compatibility for any relationship to work. In the olden days they used to look at astrology, date, time of birth to determine that and unfortunately there are still many who use it to determine their compatibility.

But of course, nowadays, the astrologer would offer 'solutions' to overcome the astrology incompatibility for a 'small fee'. Personally, I don't believe in the astrology compatibility mambo jambo. I've seen several marriages which is atrologically compatible with 'added' blessings by doing 'special prayers' during the marriage ceremony and the mariages ended up in separation or divorce within 3 years.

To me, the compatibility criteria are as follows:

1. Personality
2. Philosophy


PERSONALITY:
Personality refers to a person's character. There are many ways you can categorise individuals and there are many different categories under different context. In the context of relationships, I categorise people into 3 types:

1. Someone who prefers to take care of things
2. Someone who prefers to be taken cared
3. Someone who prefers an equal and independent relationship

But it should be kept in mind that people actually fall somewhere in between the 3 categories with varying degrees of each category. But they would generally fall in one more than the other.

A person under category 1 has an emotional need to be 'in charge' and to 'take care of everything'. So by letting this person handle things you are actually giving him or her 'satisfaction' in the relationship. This person also prefers to have the 'final say' in any major decisions.

A person under category 2 has an emotional need to be taken cared of. He or she wants to be 'pampered' and 'fussed' about, i.e. treated like 'royalty' in the extreme case. In making decisions, this person would rather leave it to their partners as they do not want to be bothered with making difficult decisions.

A person under category 3 is quite independent and would like everything on a fair basis, 50:50. From paying for dinner, chores and responsibilities around the house and even making decisions.

So, a combination of catergory 1 & 2 and 3 & 3 are very compatible, as both of them would fulfil eachother's emotional needs. However, a combination of 1 & 1 or 2 & 2 is a disaster.

As for 1 & 3 or 2 & 3, there are several things that need to be worked out and compromised for the relationship to work. Otherwise, it is also doomed.

On the topic of 'compromise' and change, I believe in the 80:20 ratio. 80% of a person's beliefs, characteristics, habits, etc cannot be changed. The other 20% can be changed given time, patience and effort. So, if you are in a relationship, please don't try to change EVERYTHING which annoys you or which you don't like about him or herself, because it would be an impossible task. You only have room to change about 20% and that is also after a very long time.

And a very important aspect of changing that 20% is that you too have to change yourself to meet him or her halfway. If you feel you don't need to change, please, forget the idea of changing your partner. The 'change' also needs to happen within you, as you need to change your tolerance level, beliefs, principles, etc to 'accept' his or her 80% which cannot be changed.


PHILOSOPHY:
Your partner and you should share certain philosophies and goals in mind. It need not be 100% but there must be several common philosophies shared by the two. Otherwise, there's going to be a big issue in the long run because it was 'over looked' in the short run due to 'hormonal issues'.

For example, you cannot have one partner who is deeply religious (where God comes first) with an atheist who doesn't believe in God. Because in the long run, one partner would try to convince the other to be a 'believer' in order to 'save' his or her soul, while the other would be trying his or her best to prove that their partner has been wrong all the time.

Another example is children. One may want to have many while the other may not want to have any or at most only 1 or 2, hesitantly but are very contented having cats and dogs instead. This is also not a good sign.

Other issues to consider are family relations, career goals, etc. Some may feel it is perfectly alright to put their aging parents in an old folks home (be it their own or their partner's) while their partner may want to take care of them in their own home.

Others may have no problem in telling a lie or breaking promises, while their partners have a different view point.


CONCLUSION:
I believe that in any relationship we need to set expectations as well as let our partners know of this expectations instead of 'springing' these expectations when a situation arises. Also, we also need to be mindful of our partner's expectations and be prepared to 'compromise' our expectations of our partners (bearing in mind the 80:20 rule). I believe we all need to have a set of 'criteria' and match our potential partners or change our 'criteria' to match our partners ;)

But relationship decisions are never easy as the emotional impact is quite bad on an individual. It would be like a drug addict suffering from withdrawal. As love (and it's related hormones) is (are) a very powerful drug(s) which clouds our judgement. So, if you are ever faced with a conflict between your 'heart' and your 'head', follow your 'head', even though it is the 'painful' option. As your mind would make logical decisions which would be for your long term benefit. Your heart would only give you 'short term' pleasure, but long term suffering.

As for myself, I try my best to put into practice what I've mentioned above. And despite 'knowing' how these things work, I still find it hard in making decisions when it comes to the heart vs head conflict. But I would eventually 'force' myself to follow my head although my heart says another. This is because I've been 'fooled' by my heart many times. So, as the saying goes, Once beaten, twice shy. Twice beaten, never try!

Sorry 'heart', you've struck out ;)

Are you a racist/bigot?

It's a pretty sensitive question, to which most people would want to disassociate themselves from. Since, by admitting that you are a bigot people tend to give you the 'evil eye' as if they are free from sin.

Bigotry comes in many forms, the obvious one would be racism. Are you a racist? Ask that question and the immediate response you get from most people is that they are not and they would start arguing that they have many friends who are of different race, etc trying hard to 'prove' that they are not!

It's a simple question, a yes or no answer would suffice. So why would people go to great lengths just to 'prove' they are not by sighting examples of their un-racist behaviour? If I were to ask 'Are you hungry?' will you go to great lengths to 'prove' that you are not hungry, or will you just answer yes or no? So why the 'extra effort' to deny that you are a racist?

Is it because deep down you know that you are a racist and you feel you need to prove that you are not?

I've met some people (whom I 've just met), who tell me that they are not racist and that they have many Malay, Indian, Chinese friends. The trouble is that I didn't even ask whether you are a racist or not, nor did I ask about how many Malay, Chinese or Indian friends you have! But for some reason they felt they needed to tell me they are not racist!

But, if you were to categorize your friends as Malay, Chinese or Indian, doesn't that make you a racist? Friends are friends. Period. No such thing as Indian friends or Chinese friends or Malay friends or Melanau friends. Just friends, that's all.

For those who deny that you are a racist, take a look around you. Who are your 'close' circle of friends? If they are the same ethnicity as you, then you may be a racist (but not necessarily). What about the people you date? Do you only date people within the same ethnicity? Do you REALLY treat everyone equally or is it that 'some people are more equal than others'? Do you give everyone equal opportunities? Or do you sideline some people due to your own biasness (be it race, religion, etc)

But then, it is inbuilt within our natural instincts to 'stick to your own kind', hence the reason why your 'close' friends may be the same ethnicity as you. The trouble is that subconsciously you didn't 'give the opportunity' to people of other ethnicity to prove their worth. So, how would you know whether you are a racist or not? There are no set rules or test to decide. It is your mindset. Consider the following scenarios:

Scenario 1:
If you were to meet 2 strangers, one is the same ethnicity as you the other is not. Who would you PREFER to trust and befriend first?

Scenario 2:
Again, you meet 2 strangers, both are of different ethnicity, one is 'fair' skinned while the other is 'dark' skinned, who would you be more inclined to trust or befriend? Or can you trully say that you can be objective enough to treat both of them equally?

Scenario 3:
Again, you meet 2 strangers, both are of similar ethnicity, but one is 'good looking' the other is not. Who would you PREFER to befriend?

Try to find the reasoning behind your answers.

But racism can't be helped. We all grew up with it thanks to our upbringing as well as our politicians who keep it live and well in this country. Society is such that we tend to associate certain 'traits' to certain races:

Malays: Lazy, easily bribed, religious extremists, etc.
Indian: Drunks, thugs, wife beaters, etc.
Chinese: Involved in illegal business, gangsters, can't be trusted, etc.

I really hate it when people assume that I like to consume alcohol just because I am Indian. There are several occasions when I go to my friends' house for a visit where the parent would ask whether I'd like a beer or other form of liqour. Why the assumption that I like to drink? If I came over for a visit due to a celebration, I would understand for such an offer. But there wasn't any celebration. I just dropped by to visit your son/daughter and not to celebrate anything.

There are even occassions when I go and meet up some of my old friends where they'd be surprised when I decline alcohol. Hence putting the 'pressure' that since I'm Indian, I must be a good drinker! So, I need to drink just to meet their expectations? And by doing so, I'd then prove that Indians are indeed good drinkers. And the circle goes on and on.

So who's to blame if Indians are drunks? Here I am trying NOT to be a drunk and there's peer pressure (from my non-Indian friends) as well as people offering me alcohol when I go to visit based on the assumptions that Indians are drunks.

Since this happened/happens to me, what more the other Indians? And not everyone is strong willed to resist peer pressure. Hence, society itself creates such polarizations among the races and then they feel vindicated when a person of a particular race behaves just as they predicted! What they faill to realise is that it is their bigotry that caused the other to behave as such! It's a vicious cycle!

Well, the above are just 'mild' forms of racism I've experienced. I have experienced worst forms of racism, which I do not wish to discuss as it would only incite more hatred. But since I am a 'victim' of racism, that justifies me to be a racist against another race right? It wasn't fair to me to be a victim of racism, so why should I hold back and stop being a racist especially against that particular race who treated me unfairly?

But if I were to treat someone unfairly as retribution for me being treated unfairly before, wouldn't that create a 'new victim' who'd pass on the 'torch of racism' to the next generation?

Look at our political parties, the majority are race based parties. Why is there a need 'to defend' one's own race? Why can't these parties and NGOs defend everyone's rights as a whole?

Bigotry is not only limited to racism, there are other forms of bigotry such as based on religion and class. Some people tend to be more religious than others and have this 'holier than thou' attitude. Others feel that they are from the 'upper class' of society and hence don't mix with people from the 'lower class'. Some only mix with 'smart' people and shun the 'stupid' people.

So how do you know whether you are a bigot/racist? You won't. It is the people around you who would know. It is your actions that would determine it, not what you say or feel.

So, am I a racist/bigot? I'll let my friends be the judge of that ;)

I F@*k on the first date

Alright, alright, I don't do that. Just thought that it would make an interesting blog title to get your attention.

But then, the title is related to an incident which happened yesterday, 31st August 2009. My sis in law got her bonus and wanted to give us a dinner treat. She suggested we go to a new cafe that just opened up at Jalan Layang, Perling called 'Bamboo Cafe' or something like that.

So, myself, mom, dad, bro, sis in law and my 2 baby nieces got all dressed up and made our way to this new cafe in 2 cars.

As I parked my car, I noticed that the Cafe had retained the previous owner's decor (I think it was Anjung Warisan or something like that). It was more of a Malay-Balanese wood decor. As we got out we noticed that we were the only ones to be there (bad sign).

Of course, I gave them the benefit of the doubt that since they were new, not many people know about them.

As we got out of the car, we were greeted by the smiley faces of several staff dressed in brown uniform with black caps.

Standing at the enterance of the shop, beside the staff was a guy, probably in his late 20s or early 30s wearing a white singlet and jeans. On his singlet was printed in big, bold blue letters "I F@*k on the first date" (please note it wasn't sensored on his singlet). I thought to myself that he must be customer as well as an asshole for wearing such a singlet at a 'family' place like this.

But I found it odd as to why the customer was also smiling and greeting at us and counting how many of us was coming in. Then my dad asked the singlet guy whether he was working here and to which he said yes. My dad got offended by what was written on his singlet and started scolding him!

He then asked for the boss and the singlet guy said that HE was the boss! My dad immediately said to us that we are leaving and he refuses to eat at a shop where the boss doesn't have any respect for the customers. So we just walked out!

What a moron right? Here is this guy who is supposedly the boss. He spent so much money in acquiring the place doing some renovation, getting the uniforms for the staff and create a supposedly 'classy' environment, but he himself dresses in singlet with the words 'I F@*k on the first date' imprinted and he stands in front to greet the customers! What a moron!

Well hopefully after the 'bamboo' from my dad, Cafe Bamboo's so called boss would have learnt his lesson! I bet the staff would have a field day over the incident! Merdeka!

Mysterious Gunung Pulai

Years ago, the path to Gunung Pulai was closed. The official reason given was that there was some sort of flood which destroyed the facilities and then there's rumours that some people died due to the flood causing the closure.

However, if you were to ask the locals, they would tell you that the mountain is now home to unexplainable things prompting the authorities to close it after several incidents in the past. The last incident was that a Chinese monk was attacked and killed by an ape like creature. Since the monk was a hermit and had no relatives. The authorities were able to cover up this incident.
A picture tells a thousand words. I've included several recent pictures from Gunung Pulai which I've obtained from a source which I cannot reveal for fear of incriminating him/her. Check out the pictures and judge for yourselves.

"The way is shut. It was made by those who were dead, and the dead keep it. The way is shut."














The path to the left was accessible to the public in the past, before it was closed. However the path on the right was closed back then. Supposedly this path led to a secret research facility.





The secret research facility now abandoned and in ruin. Supposedly they conducted experiments on animals with the intention of creating a whole new species to boost the tourism industry. However the project was cancelled to to lack of funding.







Layers of hardened melted rock. What could have caused such heat? Similar formations have been found at the site of the nuclear bomb at the city of Hiroshima.















This picture is not upside down. According to my source, this picture was taken right side up. However, some sort of time-space disturbance had caused this part of the jungle to appear upside down. My source didn't dare venture into the path for fear of not being able to return.












Poisonous orange coloured moss. This was supposedly created by mixing the genes of the South American Poison Arrow Frog with that of the regular green moss. The purpose was to be able to mass produce the poison in large quantities. The poison can be used commercially as a pesticide and even sold to drug research companies as the poison is known to have cancer cell fighting properties.










A giant hornet can be seen flying in the distance from one tree to another. It is alleged that the hornet is the size of a crow!









A Giant Spotted Moth can be seen in this picture. According to my source, this moth has the wing span of at least 1 metre!









This ant is about the size of a AA battery!











You need to see this picture very closely. This is a picture of a Translucent Simian, which is an almost invisible monkey created from the experiments. If you look closely, you can see the outline of the monkey between the branshes and leaves near the cloudy area.






These are 'Copper Snakes' which are about 10cm in length. Unlike regular snakes, these snakes live in colonies like ants as a result of mixing ant genes to that of the copper snakes, thus reducing their size and changing their way of exixtence!






An ape like creature can be seen here sitting on the rock in the upper part of this picture. This was taken at the foot of the water fall. According to my source, this creature was created in the research facility as well. My source also states that just a couple of years back there was news of a bigfoot like creature spotted in the Endau-Rompin area. Supposedly this is the 'mate' created for that creature in Rompin. However, the project was abandoned and these creatures remain separated. No other images available as the creature ran away upon spotting the photogragher.

The foot print of the ape like creature.

Footwear of the Chinese monk who was attacked and killed by the ape like creature several years back, which prompted the authorities to close Gunung Pulai permanently.

The truth is still out there.......Do you dare seek it at Gunung Pulai? But do keep in mind that it is illegal to enter the park without permission. So, please obtain permission from the Forestry Department prior to entering, otherwise be a law abiding citizen like me and not enter ;)