Relationships..... -_-

These past few months I've been faced with relationship issues. Most of it, are not my own, they are my friends'. Yeah, I guess EVERYONE says that, "it's not me, my friend". No no, I'm NOT in denial here.

Now let's get things straight here. I'm no psychologist nor a relationship 'expert' here. I'm just a squirrel trying to get a nut in this world who happened to stumble across these issues quite a fair bit for some reason or another. And to further qualify my 'expertise' I'm the most 'single' guy among my group of friends, as I've hardly been in any 'long term' relationship with anyone (If you are wondering why I am the most 'single', perhaps my thoughts on relationships in this blog may give you an idea)

I've decided not to name any specific issues of my friends as the purpose of this blog was not to discuss THEIR issues, but rather to give MY two cents worth on relationships in general. I've seen one too many relationships fail due to expectation and compatibility issues. Be it a 3 year relationship or a 10 year marriage. And when it comes to relationship matters, it is one HUGE emotional roller coaster ride with 3 possible outcomes:

1. The continuation of the relationship stronger than before
2. The continuation of the relationship same or worse than before
3. The ending of the relationship

With the first outcome, the couple with problems discover the issues together and collectively improve themselves to facilitate their partner's needs. Of course it takes time to improve or change one's habits or character. One should also realise that this is a never ending process as there is no such thing as perfection. In time, your preference/needs would change and so would your partner's, thus arguments would creep up time and again, but by 'giving' and 'taking' things will always work out.

With the second outcome, the couple would expect the other party to change first instead of looking into themselves to change. The arguments would be more intense the next time round because the 'issues' weren't really settled in the first argument. It was merely 'delayed' for the sake of 'being tired of arguing' or just 'having peace'. Unfortunately it is not a lasting peace as it would creep up again (unless the argument is about a very minor and trivial matter). But why would a couple avoid the issue just for the sake of having 'peace'? ....it is because of the hormones known such as endorphines, dopamine, oxytocin, etc which gives us the 'feel good feeling' that we call love. So, literally, love is a drug, we get hooked on thus willing to do 'anything' for it and 'loving' someone for no 'logical' reason...."I'm willing to do anything for love"....familiar term??? So, they avoid prolonged confrontation or any outstanding issues so that they can continue to be hooked on these 'feel good' hormones.

With the third outcome, the couple (or one of them) would realise that they are just not compatible since they can't agree on many issues. Most of the time, to these couples 'compromise' means the other party 'compromise to my needs' and not the other way around. Normally, outcome 2 precedes outcome 3.


COMPATIBILITY:

I believe that there needs to be a certain level of compatibility for any relationship to work. In the olden days they used to look at astrology, date, time of birth to determine that and unfortunately there are still many who use it to determine their compatibility.

But of course, nowadays, the astrologer would offer 'solutions' to overcome the astrology incompatibility for a 'small fee'. Personally, I don't believe in the astrology compatibility mambo jambo. I've seen several marriages which is atrologically compatible with 'added' blessings by doing 'special prayers' during the marriage ceremony and the mariages ended up in separation or divorce within 3 years.

To me, the compatibility criteria are as follows:

1. Personality
2. Philosophy


PERSONALITY:
Personality refers to a person's character. There are many ways you can categorise individuals and there are many different categories under different context. In the context of relationships, I categorise people into 3 types:

1. Someone who prefers to take care of things
2. Someone who prefers to be taken cared
3. Someone who prefers an equal and independent relationship

But it should be kept in mind that people actually fall somewhere in between the 3 categories with varying degrees of each category. But they would generally fall in one more than the other.

A person under category 1 has an emotional need to be 'in charge' and to 'take care of everything'. So by letting this person handle things you are actually giving him or her 'satisfaction' in the relationship. This person also prefers to have the 'final say' in any major decisions.

A person under category 2 has an emotional need to be taken cared of. He or she wants to be 'pampered' and 'fussed' about, i.e. treated like 'royalty' in the extreme case. In making decisions, this person would rather leave it to their partners as they do not want to be bothered with making difficult decisions.

A person under category 3 is quite independent and would like everything on a fair basis, 50:50. From paying for dinner, chores and responsibilities around the house and even making decisions.

So, a combination of catergory 1 & 2 and 3 & 3 are very compatible, as both of them would fulfil eachother's emotional needs. However, a combination of 1 & 1 or 2 & 2 is a disaster.

As for 1 & 3 or 2 & 3, there are several things that need to be worked out and compromised for the relationship to work. Otherwise, it is also doomed.

On the topic of 'compromise' and change, I believe in the 80:20 ratio. 80% of a person's beliefs, characteristics, habits, etc cannot be changed. The other 20% can be changed given time, patience and effort. So, if you are in a relationship, please don't try to change EVERYTHING which annoys you or which you don't like about him or herself, because it would be an impossible task. You only have room to change about 20% and that is also after a very long time.

And a very important aspect of changing that 20% is that you too have to change yourself to meet him or her halfway. If you feel you don't need to change, please, forget the idea of changing your partner. The 'change' also needs to happen within you, as you need to change your tolerance level, beliefs, principles, etc to 'accept' his or her 80% which cannot be changed.


PHILOSOPHY:
Your partner and you should share certain philosophies and goals in mind. It need not be 100% but there must be several common philosophies shared by the two. Otherwise, there's going to be a big issue in the long run because it was 'over looked' in the short run due to 'hormonal issues'.

For example, you cannot have one partner who is deeply religious (where God comes first) with an atheist who doesn't believe in God. Because in the long run, one partner would try to convince the other to be a 'believer' in order to 'save' his or her soul, while the other would be trying his or her best to prove that their partner has been wrong all the time.

Another example is children. One may want to have many while the other may not want to have any or at most only 1 or 2, hesitantly but are very contented having cats and dogs instead. This is also not a good sign.

Other issues to consider are family relations, career goals, etc. Some may feel it is perfectly alright to put their aging parents in an old folks home (be it their own or their partner's) while their partner may want to take care of them in their own home.

Others may have no problem in telling a lie or breaking promises, while their partners have a different view point.


CONCLUSION:
I believe that in any relationship we need to set expectations as well as let our partners know of this expectations instead of 'springing' these expectations when a situation arises. Also, we also need to be mindful of our partner's expectations and be prepared to 'compromise' our expectations of our partners (bearing in mind the 80:20 rule). I believe we all need to have a set of 'criteria' and match our potential partners or change our 'criteria' to match our partners ;)

But relationship decisions are never easy as the emotional impact is quite bad on an individual. It would be like a drug addict suffering from withdrawal. As love (and it's related hormones) is (are) a very powerful drug(s) which clouds our judgement. So, if you are ever faced with a conflict between your 'heart' and your 'head', follow your 'head', even though it is the 'painful' option. As your mind would make logical decisions which would be for your long term benefit. Your heart would only give you 'short term' pleasure, but long term suffering.

As for myself, I try my best to put into practice what I've mentioned above. And despite 'knowing' how these things work, I still find it hard in making decisions when it comes to the heart vs head conflict. But I would eventually 'force' myself to follow my head although my heart says another. This is because I've been 'fooled' by my heart many times. So, as the saying goes, Once beaten, twice shy. Twice beaten, never try!

Sorry 'heart', you've struck out ;)